I thought it was time to rename the blog. Keeping Up with Chris, Steph, and Walt Van Bebber has done the job admirably since we started this last January when simple and literal seemed appropriate. Getting overly precious about what we called it just didn't feel right at the time. But recently it's just seemed a bit too bland and descriptive - like a folder we have in the file cabinet labeled "Taxes 2006" or "Moscow Receipts."
I found out not too long ago that one of my oldest friends called me the "Devouring Mind" in high school I think mostly because I was curious about and interested in everything and I just had a burning desire to know and discover things.
I have since thought a fair bit about this phrase since I was diagnosed. The first six-weeks after I learned that I had brain cancer, I could not shut up. ( I have since learned that this manic energy also probably had a lot to do with the high dose of steroids I was on at this time but I didn't realize that then. ) I had the overwhelming sense that if I had a thought, memory, or idea I had to express it and do so immediately. I'm sure Steph heard more digressive rambles than she wanted to but I felt this drive to describe the inner workings of my mind while I still could. This was and still is the most terrifying aspect of brain cancer to me - will it change how I think or my personality - will it change who I am? It has been almost a year since my diagnosis and my personality and thought process seem pretty much unchanged. Sure, I have a bit of the scattered "chemo brain" but that can be hard to attribute to anything in particular. I am very grateful for this but I do feel a sense of foreboding about what it happening inside my skull.
Every two months, I've go in for an MRI and seen the image of this massive, noxious weed taking up space - devouring - the home of my mind and it is unsettling.
Brain cancer can manifest in patients quite differently - it can attack one tiny part of the brain and have an enormous impact like altering vision or speech or mobility while other people can have quite large tumors that can take up a lot of real estate in the cranium with little or no discernible effect. It is impossible to say how my tumor with evolve but I still feel that sense (though thankfully less manically) that I want to experience and express as much as possible through my familiar lens on the world while I can.
In case you are wondering, this is my "back to San Francisco" picture of our still pretty empty living room (most of our belongings are still out in the Pacific somewhere but should be here soon). I like the thought that I can look out over this view and know that in that moment, we couldn't possibly be anywhere else in the world.
Love the new title and great to hear your voice in it. I think about you often and continue to hope and pray for your continued healing. I don't know how one gets their head around (pun semi-intended) a brain tumor, but it does certainly raise all kinds of questions about what goes into creating a personality - what makes you...You. I don't know the answer, but I believe that You are something greater than your brain, more than your ability to articulate your thoughts, more even than your memories and sense of humor. You are enduring. You are more than matter. You are bigger than a tumor. Hang in my friend.
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