Press Again To Reset

I just had a moment of realization - I use a lot of ellipses in my posts.  It is either very sloppy and lazy (probable) or their use is my attempt to signify that these thoughts and observations are just points along a continuum that never stops.  Conclusions?  Very rarely.  The way that my mind is working now, fleeting insights however brief, continue to flow even if I can't hold them as long as before.

Still On The Path

Where is this path going? I still don't know but it looks nice up there.  Come to think of it, it is pretty good right here.  One thing that I am sure of - it is truly wonderful to be moving again.

I haven't posted since June which is a pretty long hiatus.  This blog has become a bit sporadic you might say.  I feel like I've passed into yet another new phase.  When I think back, I find it challenging to trace all of the different phases, states of mind, and perspectives over the last four and a half years.  It honestly feels like several lifetimes.  

Back To Life

While I haven't posted anything in a long time - I'm still here and doing well.  It has been tough and we've been through the wringer - but it seems that I have finally emerged on the other side.  We've gone through more transitions.  Steph has gone back to work in a new job and after a lot of soul searching, I decided it was time to retire from the State Department.  Saying that word, "retirement", still kind of sticks in my throat but I felt that it was time.
So, I'm figuring it out and adjusting to this, the next transition.
I planted a vegetable garden and I've been gratified to watch it flourish.  I find it tough to describe just how much satisfaction I derive from this small garden patch.
Thanks again for all of the support, love, and encouragement - I wouldn't be here without it.

Hard Slog

I haven't posted anything is quite some time, nothing in over two months it looks like.  I apologize for not checking in more regularly.  The pages have been empty but the days have been quite full.  I went back to work full time around mid-August.  I landed in the Bureau of Oceans and International Environmental and Scientific Affairs in The Office of Policy and Public Outreach.  It is a mouthful but welcome to Washington - acronyms R US!  We've never met a name or concept that couldn't be obscured or complicated by the use of an acronym.  I felt that it was a good place for me to return to work - the issues are very interesting and important to me.  It was satisfying to be back to work, engaged, and contributing.  Things started to turn at end of September - I perceived a dip in my writing and was struggling to find the correct words to express myself.  Definitely a new symptom and an unnerving one.

Finding Home

What seemed to all of us to be a move without end has finally come to rest.  We've moved into a new house, on a new coast, and we are starting to feel settled.  Three years ago, we had just landed in Australia - and what an ocean of time ago that feels like now.  It has been a long journey and we're not done yet - we're feeling blessed to be starting a new chapter together.  Honestly, I also feel a bit weary.  It has been an extended and exhausting push to arrive here.  We will all just keep moving forward together...and try and enjoy the views along the way.

Surviving and Thriving

It has been two months since I last posted and a lot has happened.  We sold our place in San Francisco and bought a house in Northern Virginia which we plan to move into by the end of the month.  We are overjoyed, nervous, and grateful.  As recently as late January, I had serious doubts about reaching this point but here we are.  I have more people to thank for this than a gushing Oscar winner but I'd like to try.

How Far We've Come

It is bittersweet to put our place in San Francisco on the market.  We landed here feeling things were pretty dire and that we needed to find a place where we could all recover.  To put things in context, in the first ten months after my diagnosis, we moved five times, completed six trans-Pacific flights, and three hospitalizations.  We were all wiped out - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We needed a refuge and our small apartment here truly provided it.  The three of us also did a lot of growing in this space which the markings on Walt's closet show.

Breathing Room

Walt running while we are enjoying the spring weather,  having a BBQ at Chrissy Field 

Running wild - wait a minute, did he just bust out of Alcatraz?

The last few weeks have been full to brimming with both stress and fulfillment.  I will go right to the heart of it;  I had my MRI and appointment with my neuro-oncologist on Wednesday and it was continued good news.  I must say again, my tumor is not gone but my doctor said that it is the "best" it has ever looked in the two and a half years that she has been treating me.  The radiation can continue to work slowly, long after the treatment is finished, and that is what seems to be happening.  I'm also on the seventh cycle of my second round of chemotherapy and so far, I'm still tolerating it well.  It is very exciting and more than I could have hoped for.  My brain has a little more breathing room in my skull and I can feel the difference.

Equinox/Spring

I'm a week late for an equinox post - but spring is just hitting it's stride in Northern California.  Everything about our spring feels right, deep down into my bones.  A rebirth.  Easter, the flowers exploding, a new baseball season - the whole world is reset, rejuvenated, and reborn.  Can I tap into some of this?  I hope so....

Preparation

Walt having breakfast at the VA after walking mommy to work

I haven't checked in since my last MRI - all good news and we are doing well.  At this point in time, with an extensive grade three tumor in both hemispheres of my brain ... no news is good news and my last last MRI brought no news.  Chemo cycle 2.5 is in the books and I'm not much worse for the wear.  It is starting to seem like returning to D.C. is a good possibility but after talking with my doctor, I'd like to give it 2 more cycles before we decide.  However, does it seem tantalizing close and we are all excited.  I have been challenging myself more and I've found that my body has been up for the challenge.  I'm still trying to practice patience on a daily basis with about a 75% success rate.

Shedding

Trading portraits with Walt on the walk home from school

"The wilderness had patted him on the head, and behold, it was like a ball - an ivory ball; it had caressed him and - lo!- he had withered; it had taken him, loved him, embraced him, got into his veins, consumed his flesh, and sealed his soul to its own by the inconceivable ceremonies...."
No, I'm not headed up river but I can't help thinking about The Heart of Darkness whenever I see a reflection of myself.  It's odd but I'm pretty sure my brain made these leaps before it was radiated.  It is a daily reminder that cancer has reached out and altered me even on the days when it is far from my conscious mind and I'm feeling great.
I appreciate that everyone seems to think that the Professor Xavier look agrees with me but I must admit that for me it is a sign that the cancer patted me on the head.  Maybe it is a helpful prompt to keep my attention in the present and not waste any of this time.

Is it wrong to follow this quotation with - hey, I'm still feeling well?  Actually, I am feeling great.

Puppies and Rainbows

It's been over two months since my last post which caused some friends and colleagues concern.  Sorry about that.  My body and spirit are slowly recovering from the combo of surgery, radiation, and chemo.  I am still improving - honestly, I'm feeling better right now than at any time post-diagnosis.

Qualified Good News Part Two

Trying to take the long view - walking on Roman tiles near the Sea of Galilee

It has been quite awhile since I've managed to write anything.  I've sat down dozens of times to chronicle what has been going on and I'm not happy with what I've written.  I realize that this may cause the people that care about me to assume the worst while the opposite is in fact the case.

Pool/Drop

The Crying of Lot 107081

I'm four days clear of my last radiation treatment and I'm feeling great both physically and mentally.  I wasn't quite sure how it was going to be emerging from the basement at UCSF after radiation session number thirty but I felt instantly revived and awakened.  I left with my mask as a party favor in a grocery bag and it felt like a feather rather than a prison as I carried it home with me.  A friend had suggested to me before I began that most patients either want to transform their mask into a piece of art or back over it with their car.  I initially identified with the latter group but now that's not the case.  I don't want to destroy and I don't want to transform it.  It stands for itself.
I figure with the initial fitting, the treatments and scans, and the occasional delays, I probably spent in the neighborhood of fourteen hours locked into this thing.  When I look at it now I think of perseverance rather than misery, patience rather than suffering, and hope rather than fear.

Mourning

It has been a long week.  I've reached the end of my radiation treatment - just one more session tomorrow morning and I'm done - but I don't feel particularly celebratory or relieved.  The past week has left me in a deep state of mourning and reflection.

Grace

I have greatly appreciated all of the thoughtful words from around the world in the past two years.  I truly consider myself lucky to have friends, family, and colleagues thinking of me, pulling for  my health and for our family to weather this storm.  Somedays, I believe it has been these thoughts and prayers that have helped buoy me when I've been flagging.  Everyday, it has been innumerable graces, large and small, that have carried me along.

Another Turn

If you don't know San Francisco, UCSF is the large complex at the foot of Sutro Tower

We woke up Sunday morning to find the fog lifted and the glorious Bay Area fall had begun.  The scent in the air is different, the light is transformed, and one has the unmistakeable sense that a new season has arrived.  It drives me nuts when I hear the refrain,"I like California but I wouldn't want to live somewhere without seasons."  A day like Sunday is as distinct and dramatic to me as the explosion of color in a New England hardwood forrest.  You just need to adjust the sensitivity of your perception.  The signs are subtle but the difference is rich and varied.
This is somewhat analogous to how attuned you can become to subtle shifts in your body.  Doctors are pretty frank about the fact that the MRI is an imperfect tool; a remarkable one but a window into the brain that lacks fine sensitivity.  I could feel the change in my cancer before it showed up on a scan.  
The good news from here is that after nearly a month of radiation, I'm feeling much stronger than when I started which has confounded my expectations in an entirely positive way.

14 Days Done

Home sweet home for the next sixteen days

I've almost reached the halfway point in my radiation treatment.  I am happy to report the second and third weeks have gone significantly better than the first.  There are side effects - I look like a Bavarian Bürger who cooked a bit too long on Mallorcan beaches and my hair has indeed started to fall out in disquieting clumps - but overall, I'm doing well.

Welcome To The Dungeon

Workers had only recently taken down the "Abandon all hope,  ye who enter here," warning and put up the only slightly more uplifting "Radiation Oncology" sign.

Six down only twenty-four more to go.  I started radiation last week and I must acknowledge, it is one of the few things I've encountered that lives up to, or even exceeds, the hype.  Which is to say - it is pretty miserable.

Dropping In

Walt has a serious meta streak - taking a photo of a photo - scouting the right run of Lava Falls at 30,000 CFS - the cheese grater is barely visible on the right - with Wolfe and Timmons (I'm in the comfortable catcher's crouch third from the left) circa 1996.  Had a great run (thanks Mike) and a good time was had by all.  Another boat on the far left is being smart and running left.  Where is the fun in that?  In case this one slipped by you, just click on the image to make it much more visible.

I'm feeling a bit antsy and over adrenalized these past few days.  My emotions are running all over the map.  I apologize for the spotty responses that I have sent out to all of the well wishes and kind messages I've received.  Focus remains at a premium and when I've felt it, I've tried to spend it on Walt and Steph and calming my own unsettled mind.